Nadine Dorries Original Draft of Email to New MP's..

Dear new Member, (says the spider to the fly)
Many congratulations and welcome to the House. (look into my eyes, not around the Ayes)Please forgive me for this generic email being brief and to the point. (well not very brief but I like the sound of my own voice)

The first job of the House today is to appoint the Speaker. The Father of the House, Sir Peter Tapsell, will present a motion to the House that John Bercow remains as Speaker. (unless I can intercept him * thinks* )

At this point, members will shout 'Aye', on this occasion there will also be members from all parties shouting 'No'. (well, just me unless you really are as gullible as I think you are) If enough members shout 'No', this will force a division and your first vote as new members will be to vote for or against appointing John Bercow as Speaker. (This is where I want you to shout 'No' and risk your political careers cos you think I am your friend)

At this point, the green monitors will flash with the words 'Division' and the division bell will ring. This is a free vote and is entirely unwhipped and so whether to vote or not is wholly your decision.(cough) You will also have the option to abstain, and so you do not enter either of the voting lobbies.

Despite scare mongering by some left-wing commentators, there will be no repercussions according to which way you vote. (well, you'll never be allowed to speak in the house again but you werent really there for that anyway, were you dears?)I am sure you are aware that during the previous Parliamentary term Mr Bercow was appointed as Speaker, with unanimous Labour and a handful of Conservative votes. (they will be punished of course) In the words of a Labour whip, it was done to 'stick it to the Tories'.

That aside, there are a number of reasons why, (but I cant really think of any so I wont elaborate on this) since his appointment, Mr Bercow has proven unsuitable in the Speaker's role. Not least, on the occasions during the last session when Mr Bercow found remaining impartial, a crucial quality in the role of Speaker, very difficult, leading to a number of heated exchanges between the Speaker and Conservative MPs.

We are about to head into choppy political waters. It is imperative we have a Speaker who possesses dignity, gravitas, ability, wisdom and who can command respect from all sides of the House. A Speaker beyond reproach, (cough) who via his experience has earned the entitlement to such an important office. (yes, I know he has most of that but I dont like his wife, OK !!) (and he is really short as well) There are a number of candidates from all sides imminently more suitable, able and willing; Edward Leigh, Sir Menzies Campbell, Alan Hazlehurst [sic], and Margaret Beckett. (all of whom think I am all that and a bag of chips *preens*)

It is imperative that we are seen to begin this Parliament renewed and afresh. We can only do that with a democratic vote for the Speaker. If (grrr) Mr Bercow wins the vote, he will have the endorsement of the whole House and not just the Labour party. (and I will scream and scream until I am sick)

The Labour MP Kate Hoey, who is supporting (sucked in, silly girl) the vote and I will be acting as tellers. (as in telling you what to do, little lambs) If you come to the division lobby there will be members on the doors directing you to the lobby depending on which way you wish to vote. (I will stick a big poster of John with a noose round his neck on the right one, that should tip you off) I am sure you understand the importance of this vote. I look forward to counting you out of the lobby during your first division. (do as I say or I will curse you and your family)With very best wishes,

Yours,

Nadine Dorries.

Its Fliiiitttick !!

You have heard from @MrPlug, @adamcroft, @bloggerheads so thought it was time for a girlie take on the "Flitwick" story.

"Flitwick the Movie"

Starring: Nadine Dorries (simpering, sitting MP for Mid Beds)
Also Starring: John Cooper (English Democrats)
Production: Tim Ireland (Mr Bloggerhead himself)

Cast includes: David Reeves (Lab), Lynda Jack (Lib Dem), Malcolm Bailey (Green), Bill Hall (UKIP), Dr Fiona Steele (Chair), Richard the Doorman, A Pretty and Cheeky Social Democrat, Lovely Policewoman , Ms Cushion and of course "Mrs Fliiitttick herself @humbershomemade.

On 4th May 2010, Flitwick Village Hall threw open its doors for an evening of political debate. Attending the event were 178 local constituents from all walks of life. A group of school children interviewed the candidates as they arrived, the hall was buzzing with excitement.

Our star arrives outside at the last minute, dressed to kill in a white designer trouser suit. She stalks in, there is a tangiable change in atmosphere. She has a quick interview with the kids in which she tells them she first came to Mid Beds as it was the only vacancy, hates Marmite and that she drives a Jag. She marches up to the front, wafting perfume in her wake and takes up her seat next to the Chair.

Dr Steele begins by introducing Tim the producer. (Nadine up until this point was quite relaxed, fiddling with her hair and pouting). Penny drops and you can see in the videos for yourself what happens next...


What you cannot see is the audience reaction. If you watch the Featuring the Producer video you get a better idea of the animosity in the hall. The audience did not applaud Nadine's opening speech, although they applauded all the others (even the very tedious and slightly racist ones). The Chair had a lot of questions to get through, she told us that most of the questions were specifically for Nadine. (Nadine made it clear to the Chair and to Ms Cushion upon her arrival that she would be leaving at 8.45pm to go to another meeting). Ms Cushion was told by a very reliable source that Nadine was extremely reluctant to attend the hustings at all and acted like "a primadonna" about it by the way...

Nadine agrees to stay after our hero, John Cooper, intervenes and asks for Tim not to be thrown to the lions.. Malcolm Bailey talks.. (Nadine begins whispering to Chair, stops. Starts again, stops and starts again, finally getting told off by a disgruntled Ms Cushion) Now it's Nadine's time to talk.. she gets various heckles but nothing an old pro' like her can't handle. Enters the Lovely Policewoman at the back of the hall. Nothing to see here so, its a load of old politics for a while..

Then, from the back of the room, enters a very angry @humbershomemade. Calling out to the Chair as she stomps down the middle aise.. Whispers (bit late for that) to Chair, Nadine leans in for a better eavesdrop. Chair turns to the Producer and confronts him over the live broadcast (that she had agreed to). Nadine states that she knew he would do that..bla bla.. Audience ask what the problem is? Why stop the broadcast? No big deal, modern technology etc.. Then @humbershomemade pipes up again, telling us her life story, saying that everyone needs a level playing field, demonstrates the correct pronunciation of FLIIITTTIIICCCKKK and gives Nadine a great excuse to leave early, thus avoiding any more awkward questions. (after of course, slandering the Producer again to the entire audience and ordering him OUT with her pointy finger cos she forgot her wand).

Off she stomps, entourage including flustered daughter in her wake... At this point, Ms Cushion decides to take some air. Oh, how odd.. Nadine is still here! How strange she thinks, when Nadine was so keen to attend another meeting. Hmm. Puffing away and moaning, Nadine hides round the corner surrounded by her supporters (and the Pretty and Cheeky Social Democrat). Ms Cushion starts talking to a Tory counciller and accidently presses record on her phone, oops silly girl, now everyone will know that Nadine was still there 13 minutes after she said she was leaving. Ms Cushion is very cold and goes back inside to watch out of the window. She waves goodbye to Nadine about 5 minutes later and has a quick chat with the Lovely Policewoman and the Richard the Doorman.

The hustings are going well, lots of questions being answered - particularly well by both Lynda Jack and David Reeves I might add. The Producer has packed his things away and leaves, first stopping to speak to the Lovely Policewoman, Richard the Doorman and Ms Cushion.

The Chair calls the husting to an end, lots of applause and thanks to the remaining candidates.


The End (or is it?)


"Flitwick the Sequel" may be coming to a nearby Blogspot soon....



http://www.ustream.tv/recorded/6674716 (Full length movie)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qVxCeayPXHU (Featuring the Producer)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DjOr9vYg9dQ (Producers cut)