Thursday, 6 May 2010

Its Fliiiitttick !!

You have heard from @MrPlug, @adamcroft, @bloggerheads so thought it was time for a girlie take on the "Flitwick" story.

"Flitwick the Movie"

Starring: Nadine Dorries (simpering, sitting MP for Mid Beds)
Also Starring: John Cooper (English Democrats)
Production: Tim Ireland (Mr Bloggerhead himself)

Cast includes: David Reeves (Lab), Lynda Jack (Lib Dem), Malcolm Bailey (Green), Bill Hall (UKIP), Dr Fiona Steele (Chair), Richard the Doorman, A Pretty and Cheeky Social Democrat, Lovely Policewoman , Ms Cushion and of course "Mrs Fliiitttick herself @humbershomemade.

On 4th May 2010, Flitwick Village Hall threw open its doors for an evening of political debate. Attending the event were 178 local constituents from all walks of life. A group of school children interviewed the candidates as they arrived, the hall was buzzing with excitement.

Our star arrives outside at the last minute, dressed to kill in a white designer trouser suit. She stalks in, there is a tangiable change in atmosphere. She has a quick interview with the kids in which she tells them she first came to Mid Beds as it was the only vacancy, hates Marmite and that she drives a Jag. She marches up to the front, wafting perfume in her wake and takes up her seat next to the Chair.

Dr Steele begins by introducing Tim the producer. (Nadine up until this point was quite relaxed, fiddling with her hair and pouting). Penny drops and you can see in the videos for yourself what happens next...

What you cannot see is the audience reaction. If you watch the Featuring the Producer video you get a better idea of the animosity in the hall. The audience did not applaud Nadine's opening speech, although they applauded all the others (even the very tedious and slightly racist ones). The Chair had a lot of questions to get through, she told us that most of the questions were specifically for Nadine. (Nadine made it clear to the Chair and to Ms Cushion upon her arrival that she would be leaving at 8.45pm to go to another meeting). Ms Cushion was told by a very reliable source that Nadine was extremely reluctant to attend the hustings at all and acted like "a primadonna" about it by the way...

Nadine agrees to stay after our hero, John Cooper, intervenes and asks for Tim not to be thrown to the lions.. Malcolm Bailey talks.. (Nadine begins whispering to Chair, stops. Starts again, stops and starts again, finally getting told off by a disgruntled Ms Cushion) Now it's Nadine's time to talk.. she gets various heckles but nothing an old pro' like her can't handle. Enters the Lovely Policewoman at the back of the hall. Nothing to see here so, its a load of old politics for a while..

Then, from the back of the room, enters a very angry @humbershomemade. Calling out to the Chair as she stomps down the middle aise.. Whispers (bit late for that) to Chair, Nadine leans in for a better eavesdrop. Chair turns to the Producer and confronts him over the live broadcast (that she had agreed to). Nadine states that she knew he would do that..bla bla.. Audience ask what the problem is? Why stop the broadcast? No big deal, modern technology etc.. Then @humbershomemade pipes up again, telling us her life story, saying that everyone needs a level playing field, demonstrates the correct pronunciation of FLIIITTTIIICCCKKK and gives Nadine a great excuse to leave early, thus avoiding any more awkward questions. (after of course, slandering the Producer again to the entire audience and ordering him OUT with her pointy finger cos she forgot her wand).

Off she stomps, entourage including flustered daughter in her wake... At this point, Ms Cushion decides to take some air. Oh, how odd.. Nadine is still here! How strange she thinks, when Nadine was so keen to attend another meeting. Hmm. Puffing away and moaning, Nadine hides round the corner surrounded by her supporters (and the Pretty and Cheeky Social Democrat). Ms Cushion starts talking to a Tory counciller and accidently presses record on her phone, oops silly girl, now everyone will know that Nadine was still there 13 minutes after she said she was leaving. Ms Cushion is very cold and goes back inside to watch out of the window. She waves goodbye to Nadine about 5 minutes later and has a quick chat with the Lovely Policewoman and the Richard the Doorman.

The hustings are going well, lots of questions being answered - particularly well by both Lynda Jack and David Reeves I might add. The Producer has packed his things away and leaves, first stopping to speak to the Lovely Policewoman, Richard the Doorman and Ms Cushion.

The Chair calls the husting to an end, lots of applause and thanks to the remaining candidates.

The End (or is it?)

"Flitwick the Sequel" may be coming to a nearby Blogspot soon.... (Full length movie) (Featuring the Producer) (Producers cut)

1 comment:

  1. @adamcroft: